I realize some reading this are not believers, do not have a spiritual guide; or have been broken to the point their faith has been shipwrecked. I get that… Divorce is the murderer of hope. Here is my story, we all have one and they are all valid and remarkable in their own right and beauty.
About Joy:
Joy is divorced, happily single, a leader in her church and in women’s ministry. She uses her psychology degree by actively mentoring other women to overcome difficult circumstances. She is a Culinary Institute of America graduate, Private Chef, and Entrepreneur for the past thirteen years in the Texas and New Mexico area.
In telling my story, I used to feel as though I had to “clean it up” or “polish it off” so that people would not totally freak out or avoid me like the plague. The humor of God is that now I am no longer concerned with editing my story, there becomes a freedom with it. I no longer want to believe the lie that I have to present myself in this perfect little package so someone will accept or respect me. God knows and he still accepts me as I am and as I grow to who He wants me to become. That is true for all of us— never underestimate the power of your story because you will reach who He has for you to reach, even if that person is yourself.
I realize the telling of my testimony is powerful and in that power lies my hope that draws myself and others closer to God and His saving grace! It eliminates the power of the enemy by having us walk through the fear of sharing it. When we walk through the fear, it demonstrates our trust in the Lord!
As a child I always felt I had to WORK for love. (I now realize this way of thinking is incorrect). I was always trying to dull that vibrant light of mine so others would be more comfortable around me. In my home life, in my previous marriage, in my friendships and even with God, the mission was always, “How small can I be?” If you know me, you know this is a hard task.
During my childhood, my parents did not always understand me. I was always predicting behavior and walking on egg shells in order to stay under the radar. I was always trying to escape what I perceived as their judgement, scrutiny, and insecurity. I was always trying to be the good girl they expected me to be so that I could have love that I so craved. Our relationship was very co-dependent. They parented from their wounds and that fell to me. My parents instilled a strong principle of earning acceptance that I still struggle with. I do not have to earn acceptance or color within the lines for God to love and accept me.
My relationship with my parents, step-grandparents, key authority figures etc… seemed to reinforce in me more about working to earn love and that love was conditional. In that mindset, I met my first husband at age fourteen. I will never forget the day I took my first voice lesson with him. I went home saying to my family that I had met my husband. My parents laughed and thought I had a childhood crush until they realized I was dead serious.
The pursuit was on. I chased that man all over until he finally conceded that I would be a good wife. We were pen pals from age sixteen to twenty. I was co-dependent and working for love back then and did not realize I was setting myself up for failure. We dated for three years and I thought we had uncovered all the hard questions and issues that we might have to deal with as a married couple. My husband was a pastor’s son and everyone loved him and thought of him as such a nice and wonderful person. He surely had great qualities and appeared to be very patient. I myself had never seen him angry until… after the wedding. There was a chase through the house, a broken door, and fearing him but unable to find a safe place away from his rage.
The post-wedding event began the cycle of abuse—raging, yelling, emotional, physical and sexual abuse. After thirteen years of marriage, I was just a depleted shell of a girl. I hated myself and I could not even recognize what my real identity was. At that point, I was sleeping in my closet because I was NOT SAFE. The worst part of it all is no one knew! NO ONE KNEW of my silent hell or what I had endured for the past thirteen years. SHHHHHH!! I was not supposed to share my pain with my parents, friends, definitely not the church since he was employed there. I felt trapped and suffocated in the small town we resided with no emotional tools to handle what was happening.
I became very isolated and depressed. He and I were in intense couple therapy and individual therapy until I realized that I needed to break out of this cycle, this prison I lived after an incident with me walking on glass and realized this is NOT what GOD had intended for me. I am no perfect wife in this picture and I made a lot of mistakes and will never understand what he thought or felt like during this time. I struggled with the painful decision of divorce since at the time, I believed it to be a sin no matter what. I realized that God made a way for me to get out. God saved me because the abuse was so severe that I could’ve lost my life, and in a way I was already emotionally shut off. Divorce is not the easy road but in some cases it is the only road left to take. Divorce is destructive, no one is left unharmed and both parties are at fault in some capacity or the other. There are no saints in divorce; there are wounded people making what they perceive as the best decisions for their health or that of their children. There is no win-win, only the consequences of those decisions.
Divorce doesn’t always engage just the couple, everyone has an opinion around you. The disapproval I received from some of my family members or friends happened in every aspect of my life. In their eyes, I was to blame because I walked away. I had to deal with the shock and disappointment from standing underneath their judgements. As I healed, I began to understand why we were so ill-matched. He blamed me for his inabilities and I carried the blame. When one party makes the decision to turn away from God, there is something that shifts in the spiritual whelm. In my case, it was the moment the enemy took hold of his life and poisoned everything else to include the marriage.
After the depression and sadness, the anger started. It lasted for about a year. During that year, I was a complete rock-bottom mess. I had ten jobs and moved six times. I had no money, was walking to work in the middle of unsafe neighborhoods because I could not afford gas. I had no local support, was living in a new city, lost most of my friends, my church and was adrift. During this time, I did not care for myself and was in a severe state of self-destruction where I became promiscuous. Promiscuity can be a symptom of divorce if you place your identity in the opposite sex’s hands. Wanting to feel desired is a huge pull when you felt undesired in your marriage. At that time, I did not have a secure identity with Christ or any confidence in myself; therefore I gave myself permission to spiral into very dark corners of humanity. Sin is not the answer, it never fills you up or makes you feel better but worse. During this dark period of my life, I was using sex to fill the void which lead to rape and me losing yet another job because I was an emotional wreck. I ended up moving home to my parents’ house where I had not lived since I was eighteen for nine weeks. I went through cycles of depression, anger, shame, and numbness. But God again came to my rescue.
After several months, I begin to gain more secure footing. I moved to a new State, a new city closer to family in order to begin the process of rebuilding my life. I found a church that had small groups called “DivorceCare”. I was then able to realize that I was not alone, divorce happens, and there are symptoms in a relationship that can lead to a bad marriage. With the Lord’s guidance, DivorceCare saved my life. After a year, I lead that small group and developed other leaders so that love and healing can continue through the destruction of divorce.
Divorce changed me and launched me on a completely different journey than I had planned. My life has taken some crazy turns but ultimately, I am healed, whole, a work in progress, alive again and with Godly purpose. The evolution of ourselves as we come to lean into Christ and learn all the gifts and blessings He has for us is astounding. My heart is that as you read this book, you recognize yourself and also receive the healing God has for you. You do not need to feel judged or thrown out with the weekly garbage but loved and able to live out your truth. Until you experience LOVE the way Christ intended you never know the peace and freedom you can have walking in HIS love.
God is loving, merciful and over the course of the past eight years, He has been healing me. He has been showing me that even in my brokenness, He is there with me. He has a purpose for me and will love me no matter what. My purpose did not get derailed due to my humanness, disobedience or sin. He healed me and He can heal you too! We are never too far gone for His hand of grace. That is my mission; to love others as He did, to show that no matter what dark corners of life we find ourselves in, His love is there and at the ready for us to receive. We cannot earn it or work for it, it is already ours to receive. My hope is that you recognize where you are on the divorce journey and you begin to gain hope and healing as you move through this blog.
Divorce Destruction Recovery 